May I have your attention... I have been informed by the TSA that someone is smuggling nip on this flight. It is a crime not to share.

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My apologies for flying in circles. The copilot is a dog and he's trying to catch the tail assembly.

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In the unlikely event of a water landing Someone please save me! I can't swim.

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE REACHED OUR CRUSING ALTITUDE FEEL FREE TO TURN ON YOUR ELECTRONIC CAN OPENERS

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In the event of an emergency, shiny dangly things will drop down from the overhead compartment to distract you.

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We will now begin our descent by circling the runway 30 times and then land where it is least convenient for the airport.

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Ladies and Gentlemen: If you look off to your left you will see A BIRD! A BIRD! OMG, IT'S A BIRD!

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