My friends are basically all pigs who steal my eggs anyway. They deserve it.

Don't go trying to eat your juice boxes now!

Also a useful stress-relieving exercise!

So those hundreds of gallons of Sunny D I drank in high school weren't fueling my education like I thought it was?

Fruit has juice in it? Who knew? I'm especially fond of the "fill it with booze" suggestion.

Foreign languages: bringing you juvenile LOLs since the beginning of time.

Deter pets from furniture, marinate a filet of halibut, temporarily blind your opponents. What CAN'T this magic contraption do?