Watch closely son Soon you'll be a douche like me
I was told this wristband was for cancer awareness
Note to self: Advise son to check out her cooking before marriage
No wait, you read the recipe wrong. It said "honey"
Now, it's very important that you get the filets onto the stove while the bastard's still screaming. It's not effective revenge if he can't hear himself sizzling.
I ALMOST KILLED MY FAMILY THIS MORNING MAKING PANCAKES.