Because the largest obstacle I face in the kitchen is cracking an egg. My hands clearly weren't designed for such a task.

There's no ring, no chain, just a lump of (probably amazing) chocolate and a big-ass diamond.

Okay so it's not solid gold, but still, I don't expect to see riches spread on my bland water crackers.

As we well know, having stacks of single-purpose appliances is far more valuable than actual cooking skills.

Don't worry, there are no girls in this one. You can watch it at work without any suspicions of Girls Gone Wild.

I would never pay the full grand for this thing but at only $500 how can I afford NOT to eat it?

Let me do a little Googling for you here; this cube shaped watermelon is roughly $150 American. Commence freaking out.