In an emergency I demand well-balanced, non-perishable meals. Also massive amounts of sodium.

Do they taste like mildew, cigarettes, old potpourri and cat pee like my great aunt's house smells?

Is there a worse example of DO NOT WANT? Ugh, who eats raisins on purpose?

I once knew a guy who could fit his mouth around a McDonald's fry carton. No joke. Talk about efficiency!

What's worse, nacho cheese in waxy, lip-smearing form, or the stuff with an indefinite shelf life that comes in a paint can that you voluntarily ingest?

Put it on a stick and someone will gladly put it in their mouth.

Sure lick your own wounds, but I'm not licking them for you.