You have no excuse now, the damn thing is glowing.

When I feel the urge to do any of the various things that propel me toward the bathroom I really only have one thought: "I wish my toilet had more bling. Then _-ing wouldn't be so frightfully tediious."

So you can aim into the perfectly normal toilet like a grown adult human person or you can use the super futuristic sweeping arm Rolex urinal angled basin of doom. Choose wisely.

These poor goldfish mush have blank, haunted expressions like Kurtz deep in the jungle.

Supposedly squat toilets are where it's at and our comfy, cold-seated toilets are slowly killing us from the inside out. This traffic cone is trying to warn you! http://www.slate.com/id/2264657/

The thought of doing my business into a giant mouth skeeves me out. I feel like this toilet should take out a craigslist ad for, um, donations?

Yes, I'd like thousands of my hard earned dollars to go to a machine that plays me soothing music and sprays my ass with warm water in different patterns. Priorities.